17 Apr The Inner and the Outer Game: The Women As Game Changers Model
I remember being nine years old in our kitchen. I had just come home from school and I was standing there watching my mother starting dinner, her movements where jerky and her breathing was fast. I said something to her about my day and she snapped back with angry eyes, and a tight, but calm voice, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” I said to her: “Why are you angry?” She turned on me with full rage, “Angry, what makes you think I’m ANGRY? I’m not angry and if you don’t have anything better to do than stand there, you can go into your bedroom and clean it—it looks like a pig sty in there.”
I went into my room and sat on my bed—I was hurt and deeply confused. I knew she was angry but she denied it. I wasn’t supposed to notice this or talk about it. It was my first real conscious observation that there were two different conversations going on. I started noticing this split happening a lot in our house –there were two separate conversations, the one that was verbal and that you were supposed to pay attention to but the conversation underneath it expressed a very different message than the verbal one did. These messages were in the body and in the emotional field around the person. They were the harsh voice, the raging eyes, the contracted body, the feeling of danger. This second, “underneath” conversation you referenced at your peril.
I have made it my life’s work to understand how to access and communicate with this conversation under the conversation—the incongruence that happens when our conscious mind is not in alignment with our below conscious mind. Or more simply when our mind and our body don’t agree. The bigger the difference between these two conversations the harder it is to be successful in your business, in your marriage, and as a parent.
This is the Inner Game, and mastery of this game aligns you. It results in congruency between body, mind and feelings and that allows you to have a much better chance to achieve the life you want.
When Carolyn and I met, we spent hours discussing her work which was helping entrepreneurs build a unique brand, find their tribe, build their tribe and market to their tribe and my work which was helping people discover their below conscious mind blocks and what I called derailers—unconscious decisions that create that experience of having your adult mind wanting to go in one direction and your body saying “not on my watch”.
We began melding these two very different skill bases and discovering how we could help women entrepreneurs go further with their visions and businesses. How together we could help them take bigger risks, overcome procrastination, fear, distractions and all the other ways in which we can undermine ourselves in business.
As we experimented, we found that derailers showed up for women when they were on the brink of having to take a stand, or commit to a goal, or charge what they were actually worth. How would they show up? Take Sylvia, she and Carolyn had perfected her proposal to the director of a company for her services in Socially Responsible media. The proposal was ready but Sylvia could not make the call to set up the meeting. She procrastinated, made excuses, came down with the flu. Finally, she called me and we went on a derailer hunt. What began surfacing were memories around friendships ending when she was more successful. The derailer was : If I am really successful, I will lose all my friends.
We worked with the derailer to heal it and begin mitigating its effects. Sylvia was then able to make the call and set up the meeting which ended up in her being offered a contract.
How do we do this? We start with the business process—Carolyn assesses where our client is in their business process and begins to train them. At some point, they will get derailed. When they do, they will work with me on their below conscious derailers discovering them and mitigating their effect. Then we both track our client’s progress toward their stated goal, flowing back and forth as they need it.
Our client’s build inner and outer skills that help them not only master their business game, but the game of life as well.